What’s the Junkie Noodle-Dick Really Thinking?
Evidently the programmers at CBS News believe that with Katie Couric on the bridge they’ve attracted all the empty-headed liberal viewers they can, so after three days, it’s high time to throw the dullards on the conservatives side a bone with some Rush Limbaugh commentary.
In a cheap filler CBS calls “Free Speech” – because 22 minutes is way too much time to spend on the news – Couric reminds us that “news makers, opinion makers, and just plain folks tell us what’s on their minds.” Cute folks, we’ve learned, can make $35 million a year for reading a teleprompter, at which point they become “opinion makers.”
But it’s not like she isn’t performing a public service. This one 60 second Limbaugh pasquinade is an infinitely more effective anti-drug message than all the sizzling this-is-your-brain-on-drugs ads that a billion dollars can buy. Not only that, thanks to “Free Speech,” here’s a free game you can play at home with your just plain kids called, “What’s the Junkie Noodle Dick Really Thinking?”
LIMBAUGH: My friends, (who are all watching Fox News) it's time to face a hard, cold (but not down here in sunny Palm Beach) fact: Militant Islam wants to kill us just because we're alive and don't believe as they do – not because we have troops and permanent military bases their countries, not because we prop up the despots who oppress them, and certainly not because we take all their oil. They've been killing us for decades. Long before my 34th birthday, even, when the Sacremento Bee revealed that I’d never been registered to vote. So it's time to stop pretending these terrorist incidents are mere episodic events, like my pharmaceutically-produced erections, and face the reality that our way of life – golf, dope, and porn – is in grave danger. Now, this threat is not just going to go away because we choose to ignore it – if pest extermination were that easy, I’d have disappeared long ago. Some say we should try diplomacy. Yeah, well, tell me, how do we negotiate with people whose starting point is our death? Believe me, I’ve got three ex-wives and I know what I’m talking about here. Ask them to wait for 10 years before they kill us? I tried that, it didn’t work. When good negotiates with evil, evil will always wins, and peace follows victory, not words issued by diplomats. I realize that sentence makes no logical, historical, ethical, or grammatical sense, but I’m on a roll.
But some Americans, sadly, are not interested in victory, and yet they want us to believe that their behavior is patriotic. Well, it's not. They’re either commie-lib-losers, or Pat Buchanan supporters – who I happened to endorse for president in 1992. When the critics are more interested in punishing this country over a few incidents of Abu Ghraib and Guantánamo Bay – hey, smear me in shit and put your panties over my face anytime – than they are in defeating those who want to kill us, when they seek to destroy a foreign surveillance program which is designed to identify those who want to kill us and how they intend to do it, and also listen in on any Democrat or journalist we want without a paper trail to use against us at the impeachment hearings – when they want to grant those who want to kill us U.S. constitutional rights – because the creator only made those rights inalienable for Americans – I don't call that patriotic. Patriotism is sending your kids off to die while guys like me pay no taxes, and rallying behind our King and country, regardless of party affiliation, especially if you’re stupid enough not vote Republican, to defeat Islamofascism, a term that makes no sense, but rolls mellifluously out of my bit fat yap. Patriotism is supporting our troops in the battlefield – which I’ve always done, even when I was dodging the draft during Vietnam – not undermining the mission and morale, which definitely would have happened, had my cowardly carbuncled butt somehow found itself in a foxhole.
But let there be no doubt about this: America will prevail, so everything I just said was an excuse to insult people I don’t like. We're the same country that survived a bloody civil war, defeated the Nazis and the Soviets, and the Grenadian armed forces too – let’s not forget them. Each generation has a responsibility to the next to run up the most god-awful deficits imaginable. Our generation will not disappoint.
Also see: Limbaugh Overload